I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
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Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
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eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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