Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
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Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
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YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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