Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
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