i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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