no, he came in my armpit
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
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not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
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If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
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