I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
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In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
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I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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