Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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