It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
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How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
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I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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