Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
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Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
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I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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