I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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