Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
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the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
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Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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