Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
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I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
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Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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