I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
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AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
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Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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