That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Never underestimate the power of titties
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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