It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
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While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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