I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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