I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
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So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
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I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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