This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
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I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
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Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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