Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
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