If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
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