I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
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Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
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