i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
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i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
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