Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
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I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
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I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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