I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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