i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
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My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
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We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
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