she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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