i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
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All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
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I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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