Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
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I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
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