the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
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I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
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I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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