Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
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my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
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I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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