I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
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