I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
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he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
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Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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