new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
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I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
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To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
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