I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize