How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize