I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
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Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
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I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
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