non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
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I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
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I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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