I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
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