Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
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He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
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But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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