can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
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She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
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Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
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