Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
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At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
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When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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