Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
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i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
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We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
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