Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
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17 year olds will be the death of me.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
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Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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