I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
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