fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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