I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
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He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
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You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
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