i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize