dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
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