wakey wakey hands off snakey
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
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He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
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If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
as a side note pls kill me
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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