I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
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And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
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He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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